WHETHER IT'S DUREX, TROJAN, OR A BOUTIQUE BRAND LIKE TRUSTEX, the mission of every condom company's design team is the same: Transform an erection-wilting necessity into a slip-on power tool. But do naughty nubs necessarily add up to his-and-her orgasms? We asked our 41-year-old test subject and his wife of 3 years to put the latest generation of love gloves through their paces. Here's how the condoms—and the couple—scored.
Scoring scale:1-5, with 5 being the next best thing to naked.
Trojan Her Pleasure
THE PROMISE: "Unique texturing...designed to help provide extra sensation for a woman's most sensitive area."
HE SAID: SCORE:5
"She really seems to love it, which starts a feedback loop of audible appreciation—the more she enjoys it, the better I go, so the more she enjoys it. Sheer enough so you think that you're the one making the difference."
SHE SAID: SCORE:5
"Feels very 'mmm.' Even though the ribs are on the bottom, I'm feeling a wonderful tickle at the top of my head. Fuller somehow. Wonderful."
Crown Skinless Skin
THE PROMISE: "The closest thing to nothing at all."
HE SAID: SCORE:4.5
"Wow, excellent heat transference. Feels as thin as water, but couldn't they find a brighter shade of pink?"
SHE SAID: SCORE:4.5
"Mmm. So what's he want? Raiders colors? Feels great, looks cute."
Durex Ultimate Feeling
THE PROMISE: "...a raised texture for added stimulation...thin for sensitivity, providing excitement and pleasure for you and your partner."
HE SAID: SCORE:4
"It's thin enough to make you check that it's still on. But, as with the Pleasure Mesh, I was unaware of any guy-side benefit to the rubber rumble strips."
SHE SAID: SCORE:4.5
"One of the easiest-unrolling condoms we tested. And once on the job, the ribs added a subtle but welcome backbeat."
Trojan Pleasure Mesh
THE PROMISE: "...over 300 passion XXXs designed to stimulate both partner's most sensitive areas."
HE SAID: SCORE:3
"Nicely lubed, so it goes on and in easily, but after a while, felt like a wet suit. Yanked it off in midswim. And as for the pleasure mesh, if there was any on my side, I couldn't feel it."
SHE SAID: SCORE:4.5
"Made me say, 'Ah!' Sleek lines and plentiful lube made for a quick slide to the plate, and the mesh provided a nice thrumming massage."
Durex Intense Sensation
THE PROMISE: "Hundreds of raised studs add intensity to your expereince by providing extreme sensation for your partner."
HE SAID: SCORE:4
"Feels as if you've been shallacked with vibrating armor, which provides a nice psychological boost but no special physical benefit."
SHE SAID: SCORE:3
"Feels weird, and kind of distracting. Sort of like sliding down stairs on your butt."
Trojan Twisted Pleasure
THE PROMISE: "...designed with a special 'TWIST' at the closed end, to help stimulate both partners in their most sensitive areas."
HE SAID: SCORE:2.5
"If there's anything special going on, it's all on her side. Feels a little thick to me."
SHE SAID: SCORE:2.5
"'Twisted' is right. Feels like I sat on a slinky. The spirals might be too far apart; it feels as if there's a 30-second delay after each one. Could be pleasurable, I guess."
Night Light Glow-in-the-Dark Condom
THE PROMISE: "Just expose to light for 30 seconds, then prepare for a night to remember!"
HE SAID: SCORE:1
"Expose it to light before or after it's on? Just to be safe, I tried both, meaning I stood in the bathroom looking at my watch, while the big hand rapidly became the little hand."
SHE SAID: SCORE:1
"What the hell is he doing in the bathroom?"
Trustex Flavored Condoms
THE PROMISE: "Comes in cola, chocolate, banana, grape, strawberry, mint, and vanilla."
HE SAID: SCORE:1
"Not that oral sex has ever been an issue, but it's nice feeling like you're making it a treat. Until..."
SHE SAID: SCORE:1
"Ugh. The first taste was surprisingly authentic, but within seconds, it turned into a nauseating mix of tropical and auto-shop flavors. Like someone slipped a tire patch into your fruit salad."
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MENS HEALTH NOVEMBER 2003 MIKE ZIMMERMAN
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